Standing on the /Slash

Redundancy:

An End/Beginning

“The words we choose to define a moment of subjective embodied reality, may have implications for how we travel through and conceptualise the experience of End/Beginnings.”

How many jobs have you had that ended abruptly? Most of mine have ended this way. And even the ones where there was time to process, I still couldn’t shake the deep-rooted feelings of abandonment and rejection, a symptom of unresolved childhood trauma.

I think all my therapy is starting to pay off. I might have felt angry at being made redundant from a job I totally loved, but I’m not. I feel optimistic. I see it as an opportunity for growth.

My amazing former colleagues gave me the space to heal and grow through acceptance of autism and mental health and working with me to make the job work in a way that met my neurodivergent needs and allowed me to flourish in doing what I love. I am truly grateful. It has anchored me at a time when I wasn’t sure I wanted to be here any more.

I’ve been trying to find words to articulate what this transition feels like, as the concepts I am feeling are hard to describe. Transition might be a fairly neutral word for most people that doesn’t evoke any particularly strong emotions. For many autistic people, transitions and change can be intensely overwhelming and even the word itself can be a trigger. At least, it always has been for me.

Note: The “/“ in the poem is meant to be read as “slash” when it’s on its own. When dividing/combining two binaries, it is meant to be read as one concept.

This next bit is a bit deep and complex.

Skip straight to the poem if you’re not in the mood for existential philosophies right now 🧐🤓🤣

Some languages create new words when new understandings emerge. We call these neologisms.

This is my attempt to explain the idea that the words we choose to define a moment of subjective embodied reality, may have implications for how we travel through and conceptualise the experience of End/Beginnings.

Redundancy has been a bag of mixed emotions. A journey, not a aday trip. You may notice dissociation, denial, shutdown, grief, anger, fear, surprise, hope and courage and more in this poem.

I’d love to hear about your own descriptions of End/Beginnings. Which words resonate for your own experiences. Tell me in the comments.

Redundancy: An End/Beginning

I’m searching for a word

A sound that conveys

A moment caught in time/space

A place of ending/beginning

A feeling of neither here/there

Of standing on the / between binaries

A pause between two worlds

A transition feels fluffy

My anchor has been cut loose

I am free-floating

At the mercy of the ocean

No landmarks in sight

No light to guide me home

I am lost at sea

Drifting

I am a disembodied whisper

A ghost hovering on the cusp of a wave

Its shadow neither in nor out of the swell

Whose transient crash

Swallows its existence

Perhaps the / is a door

A threshold between two worlds

An in/out/here/there

A solid exit/entry

All my endings have been so abrupt

Stumbling over the border

As I flee

From one world to the next

The slam of rejection

Crushing my soul/bones

When I arrived in this place

I felt I was entering a rehab of sorts

Not the oppressive kinds

That we save our people from

The fancy ones that

Truly care

Listen

Respect

Help you grow

And heal

Become the person you truly are

Authentic

Valued

Seen and heard

Maybe this transition is a Discharge

A solid ending

One that is still anchoring me

As I move through this threshold

Into an unknown world

It feels purposeful

Intentional

I am ready

I leave as a whole entity

My whisper held within

I am here with my frightened shadow

We are embodied strength and hope.

I glance briefly behind

Expecting to find

You walking away

Your job done

But you are still here

Cheering me on

At my end/beginning.

Buy me a coffee