Everyday milestones are a trigger for people living with Complex PTSD. My child’s 16th birthday and my Silver Wedding anniversary triggered intense, painful memories and flashbacks.
It can be hard to stay present long enough to enjoy making new memories without the boundaries of the past and present blurring together.
It got me reflecting on my younger self and how I never imagined a happy ending for myself. That’s what childhood trauma does, makes you feel that you don’t deserve to be happy.
We get labelled all the time, but the labels we give ourselves can be the most liberating or deeply scaring on our self-esteem. 18 months of trauma therapy is helping me to re-write some of those narratives.
Happy Anniversary
25 years of marriage
Bloody hell
How did that even happen?
It’s not the future I saw for myself…
Androgynous at 12,
labelled a boy
Queer at 13,
labelled a dyke
Suicidal at 14,
labelled a risk
Low self-esteem at 15,
Making my own labels
For a future I saw
Full of violence and threat
Self-labelled unworthy
To own any label of value
Looking back, I feel sad that I felt this way about myself and also lucky that I found a partner who is kind and committed to bringing out the best in me.
There is one thing I guess I didn't factor in when I saw my dismal future at 15… that I might not be facing challenges alone…
The teachers who helped me to believe in myself and provided safe spaces to be myself, friends who smothered me in unconditional love, hugs and self-worth, and now the stronger inner parts of myself who are learning to be there for me when I need self-care and compassion to heal the wounds of attachment trauma.
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