As a speech and language therapist I am constantly advocating for autistic people and those with intellectual disability or mental health needs. I have counted the seconds a person needs to process spoken words. I never thought I would be counting my own processing time when PTSD hit.
Most days it takes about 3 seconds for my brain to engage with what it hears. Have you ever tried waiting a whole 3 seconds for someone to respond? It's painfully uncomfortable! Most people start repeating themselves with a bit more frustration in their tone if we don't reply in half a second.
It is the weirdest thing to watch someone trying to tell you something and your brain just starts glitching. On the outside, it looks like 'in one ear and out of the other'. But inside, it's still working its way from the ear to the image that gives it meaning. 20 seconds pass and then it clicks. The meaning pops right into your head. I stopped asking people to repeat themselves when I realised I just had to wait for the neurons to connect after taking the long route to get there.
I wrote this poem the day before my eldest child's 18th birthday. I was in crisis. Completely overwhelmed by the demands of resigning from a job I loved and worry that I would be stuck in an endless cycle of distress in my new job which was only 3 weeks away.
I was cooking dinner when it happened. I could feel my brain shutting down. I tried to ask for help but I couldn't find the words. I could see a clear image in my mind: corn on the cob sitting in the fridge. But no words. My brain was glitching and I lost my ability to speak.
Strangely, I was able to find the creative words to write this poem, describing my experience in the moment it was happening. The brain is a such a marvellously complex mystery.
Glitched
Head squeezed
Brain freeze
Words seized
Unretrieved
Misfiring
Miswiring
I can see what I want to say
But the words don’t convey
Or relay in the way
That’s supposed to portray
From the mind to the mouth
From thought to the throat
The wiring from image
Now firing remote
Connections are severed
Utterance untethered
Non-speaking
I’m freaking
Inside
This mind
Rewind
Find
I’m …
Not quite here
Disconnected
Misprotected
Unswitched
Glitched
In my next blog, I'll be sharing the highs and lows (ok, so mostly the lows) about getting ready to start a new job when you actually feel like you're about to go into mental rehab to recover from 18 months of intense distress and trauma. Frodo is coming home!
(See my earlier blog if you're not sure what I'm referring to - you can't miss it, it's the one with Frodo Baggins looking really sad as he says goodbye to his best friend before he sails off into the West with the Elves).
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