“It was my act of kindness that was noticed, not this person’s distress. There is something wrong with this and it makes me feel intensely sad.”

Trigger warning: self harm, suicidal thoughts.

I spent Sunday night in A&E and noticed a person cutting their wrists with house keys.

Lots of people just staring at them and either looking really uncomfortable or sympathetic, but no one reaching out to a person clearly in distress, who’d been waiting 4 hours for their “turn” in the queue to be seen.

Since PTSD put me on the other side of the trauma fence in 2022, I have experienced the stigma of mental health. And the rejection feels more painful than the PTSD itself.

Crumpled on the floor in the middle of the aisle in ASDA crying my eyes out having a panic attack and no one offering help. Or even asking if I was ok. Just walking past or avoiding me.

Panic attack on the floor of a different A&E with my injured son in the waiting room after asking for help two times already and nurses, police, porters and the reception staff I had already asked for help, all just walking past or staring. Me and my son are both autistic.

A woman in pyjamas asked if I was ok and when I said no, just walked away as she didn't know what to do.

I don't know what to do either. I am frozen in the distress I feel, reliving silent and wordless memories that I don't remember and can't describe. I am unable to ask for help and reliant on others to notice my pain.

My brain has stopped working,

Disconnected from its source,

I feel this emotion,

deep inside,

Moving up from my pit,

deep within,

Moving up through my body,

Scooping up tangled emotions

and thoughts and knots

and feelings that have gone wild in my body,

Trying to make sense of their existence,

Trying to find a root to anchor

And steady their ravaging effort,

Trying to slow them down.

The rush of emotion scoops them all up as it surges

up through my body,

Bringing them all to the surface

And choking my voice and mind

As they scramble for my attention,

To be heard,

To be noticed,

To be soothed

and comforted.

I want to help

Tell them I am here

Embrace their pain

But there are too many,

I can’t hear their voices

In the thronging

crowd of distress,

I can’t see their faces or hear their words, their stories.

The sensation of the noise and jostle and hyperactive desperation is too much.

I don’t know where to start,

how to start.

So I freeze

I can’t move

Can’t respond

Even though I desperately want to reach out and connect.

The voices die down,

Losing hope in being heard,

But quiet again.

Quiet and sad and alone.

Back to Sunday night…

So I asked if I could sit with them, if they're having a bad day. I gave them one if my fidget toys and told them that I'm autistic and have bad days too when I don't want to be here. They are autistic too. We both have complex PTSD.

I noticed a clinical staff member, who had been coming back and forth, noticed when I gave them my fidget and I could tell from their reaction how moved they were by my act of kindness.

They came over and sat with us and offered a cup of tea. It felt good to be seen and heard and to be shown compassion and kindness.

Now I feel like I want to praise the staff member but I felt angry. 😡

I was angry that this person who was clearly in distress had only been noticed because of the kinship of a fellow autistic peer who recognised and identified with their distress and offered what I wish had been shown to me in ASDA and my hometown A&E:

Kindness and to be noticed and valued. And for someone to dismiss their own discomfort enough to offer reassurance and support.

‪It was this act of kindness that was noticed, not the person’s distress. There is something wrong with this and it makes me feel intensely sad. ‬

Anyway, long story short. I think I just saved a life. We have to look after each other because it's hard to find people who will reach out when it makes them uncomfortable.

I am lucky enough to have a bunch of these people in my life now and it gives me hope that I will eventually heal.

Here’s a great video that explains why kindness and empathy is so important in supporting mental health.

*Images are not real and are created with AI technology. Unfortunately, the reality is real for many actual real people, including myself.