I was so chuffed when I wrote this poem. My first poem that actually rhymes!! Does this mean I'm a real Poet now? 😂
Rhyming has actually allowed me to linger in an intensely uncomfortable emotion while I try out a bunch of words to see which ones create the biggest "whoosh". I cried a lot when I wrote this one. The emotions cut deep and evoked anger about what happened to me. And looking back, I am justified in feeling this way.
I wrote this on sick leave in Autumn 2023. It's a letter to the people who contributed to me feeling this way. I wanted to send it in a letter but thought better of it. Every line is a reference to something that happened and it's a really painful read when you recognise the content. There are some serious allegations but I make no apology for how uncomfortable this feels. Shame is supposed to feel this way.
To be fair, most of what I endured was well-meant but came from a place of ableist ignorance and driven by stigma. But unconscious bias still leads to unintended discrimination.
I am going to use some big words that are really uncomfortable now.
Oppression. This is what happens when you keep labelling PTSD as depression. They are not synonymous. Making assumptions based on stereotypes instead of being curious, listening and not making judgements about how mental health is affecting that person is oppressive and discriminatory.
Depression and suicidal feelings came as a result of marginalisation and asking me to use "strategies" to essentially hide anything that revealed my mental health. This included shame for talking publically about having mental health needs as an autistic person. Only a person who feels stigma that disability and mental health is bad is ashamed of having needs.
I refuse to be shamed any more.
Holes and Bridges
I have fallen into a hole
A hole so deep
I’ve lost sight of the light
lost my spark in the dark
lost my mind from unkind
Words that blurred
As you shouted down
From the bridge unheard
“Use your strategies
They used to work
We don’t want to hear
Your negative words”
You tell me to
Pretend I’ve not
slipped from the edge
Wedged in the mud
And drowning in dredge
Imagine myself at the
Top of the pit
Constructing a bridge
That will make me fit
To the expectation
Of hiding my shame
Of hiding the hole
And taking the blame
For not foreseeing
My fall in the night
Or filling those forms
To render my plight
More bearable
And comfortable for you
As you won’t have to
See me all battered and bruised
I don’t need your judgement
For falling so deep
It’s making me feel that
You want me to keep
Concealing my panic
And hiding my need
The stigma too shameful
To let me succeed
But you stayed at the top
And you shouted me down
When I asked for another
To not let me drown
You asked me to unpick
The cause why I wept
But your anxious avoidance
Left me feeling inept
The reality is
That I’m drowning unseen
And need your help
To gather a team
Who will fashion a rope
To build me a ladder
And offer some hope
Reassurance matters
The sad thing is
That my hole was not big
But you gave me a shovel
And asked me to dig
When you shamed me
For sharing
The things that were hard
Your lack of caring
Created these scars
I needed a friend
To climb down to this mess
And help me coregulate
Out of distress
I needed some comfort
And old-fashioned praise
To let me grow stronger
And help me feel safe.
You left me alone
In the dark on my own
You left me to drown
In the stark unknown
You left me to struggle
In this stench-filled puddle
Till I wanted to die
And relieve all my trouble
See this poem performed live at the Wardrobe Theatre, Bristol, on YouTube.
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